My homecoming was understandably sad.  All the real friends I had ever had were the Jokers; all dead now at Anzio and dozens of other bloody battlefields.

My first night in the states I was in Washington DC, it was a rainy night. The rain was a thick mist really, with just enough breeze to give it life and the myriad of lights did many beautiful things to the mist. If Washington had ever looked prettier it must have been very long ago. The unaccustomed lights dazzled me with an awesome foreboding; I was sure the bombers would come. I thought peace was all a gigantic hoax! And that war like some evil spirit was lurking in the shadows waiting for the right moment to pounce on me again. I walked the streets with a sad loneliness that was as absolute as creation's first dawn. Loneliness and peace was breaking my heart into little pieces. I had not the capability to cope with my loneliness; nor the ability to cope with or comprehend peace - an incredible, awesome thing to me.

As I walked I instinctively surveyed my surroundings with the practical curiosity of the combat infantryman. Manholes became foxholes, unobstructed streets would afford good fields of fire, car parks became tank parks, etc., etc.

As I walked, lonely and broken hearted for my comrades forever lost to me, every awesome noise of war just echoed, reechoed in my mind and heart. I cried, wept. Every once in a while I would lift my head and catch a face full of rain to hide the fact that I was crying.

I stopped to talk with an old cabbie, vintage about WWI.  We talked leaning against his ancient hack at the curb. That very discerning cab driver quickly saw it was tears on my face; perhaps there were tears in my voice, too.

I think you are a perfectly good and decent person and I am sure we we could make a go of life together. I just imagine I will  be the difficult one. Although the war is long over, the experiences of the war especially that POW still bother me very much at times. I have periods of nervousness and fear , a sort of day time night-mare, in which I am frightened and suspicious of almost everyone. I thought I had the problem licked, but the war in Vietnam has brought back all the vivid memories of war.

People tell me to forget it, it is easy said but impossible for me to do. I wish I could forget but war damages the mind more than anything else. You will have to be patient with me as I told you I have some good days and some of the other days lately I have been having more of the other days if you know what I mean.

I do not believe the problem will get out of hand but it does take effort to meet it. I wanted you to know because you will be living with it too you know. I want you to think it over carefully I am not afraid of the future itf you are not, however it may be trying at times. Perhaps you rather stay clear? PLease tell me honestly what you think now, please be frank I will understand or try my best to. I do love you and hope you believe it.

It is hard for me to trust people I lost my faith in people in the war when my best friend stole my food and betrayed me to the enemy in POW camp.. We were starving to death at the time and stealing my food almost cost me my life, then he told the enemy some lies about me and almost got me killed.

He was trying to get rid of me before I found out he was stealing my food, I had been sharing my food with him all along. I could not figure out how he could take one share and then steal my share.

I do not I will ever find any peace or happiness probably I would be better off dead. It really doesn't matter and I do not care one way or the other I just get so tired of things at times.

Yes I am bitter as bitter as a human being can be, I would like to break at least one bone in every human being, let them hurt as I have hurt. I have learned ot live with out love (whatever love is). If itakes two to do it then I don't do it.

I do not talk about it much, but my sworn enemies in war treated me better than the American people have since the war. that is a hard thing fo rme to say but it is true and I have the irerefutable proof (with scars) to prove it. Those enemy coal mines were heaven compared to what my life has beeen since the war. 

There are may ways to destroy a man, the American people know them all. they destroy you piece by piece by little piece. Those enemies of mine were honorable and decent by comparison..

Only thei devil knows how bitter I am I suppose I hate the whole world. I am well aware that hate destroys the one who hates first.

Excerpt from a Letter to Judy Ann, 1967

...I look forward to getting back to Alabama and that cool and private front porch and just sitting down and letting the world slip on by without me.  I am tired and a bit discouraged, there is so much to be done but I cannot seem to do any of it...

Excerpt from a Letter to Karl, June 6, 1965

...I have always known that war is our ultimate failure, but war is an addictive thing.  I became addicted, and now I am addicted to agitation.  I have no way of knowing how crazy I am, I doubt if the psychiatrists would know.  I made the fatal mistake of staying in combat too long, but of course I had no choice, had to stay.  What we know does hurt us, it is what I know that made me the way I am.  I am not complaining, I am only working to promote knowledge and understanding.  I would not hurt the hair on anybody's head except in defense of my own life..."